Executive Committee
Definitely A. Business Sr.
Founder & Chairman
Founded Definitely Business in [YEAR]. Mr. Business established the firm's foundational principles of strategic capital deployment and value-oriented investing. He continues to provide guidance on matters of significance.
Board positions: REDACTED. Previous experience: Extensive. Middle initial: CLASSIFIED.
D. Business Jr.
Chief Executive Officer
"My father always said that business is about relationships, and relationships are about leverage." D.J. brings a modern perspective to the family tradition of definite business, combining institutional rigor with entrepreneurial vision.
MBA, Wharton. Previously: Associate, Definitely Business. Son, D. Business Sr.
Constance Business
Chief Financial Officer • Acting General Counsel • Interim Chief Risk Officer • Interim Stability Manager
Constance oversees financial strategy, investor relations, legal compliance, risk management, stability, and the ongoing task of explaining the numbers to the rest of the family. She is the only executive with actual credentials. She has held four roles since 2019 due to "restructuring."
MBA, Harvard Business School. CPA. CFA Charterholder. JD, Yale Law School. 15+ years in private equity and strategic finance. Previously Managing Director at Goldman Sachs. The only reason any of this works. Has not taken a vacation since 2017.
Richard "Dick" Business
Head of Acquisitions
Dick leads our M&A practice with an aggressive approach to deal-making. His track record includes the acquisitions of Threshold Laboratories, Meridian Systems, and several other companies that have since been restructured.
BA, [University]. Enthusiasm for leverage. Every problematic acquisition traces back to Dick.
Portfolio Company Leadership
Preston Business
Managing Director, Parallax Systems Group
Preston oversees our government solutions portfolio. He has a security clearance. He mentions this frequently.
Security Clearance: CLASSIFIED. Favorite topic of conversation: His security clearance.
Sterling Business
CEO, Suspicious Cloud
Sterling runs our cloud infrastructure subsidiary with unsettling competence. Unlike other family ventures, Suspicious Cloud actually functions as expected. The family finds this suspicious.
MS Computer Science, MIT. Previously: Senior roles at AWS, Google Cloud. Family theory: Possibly adopted.
Harmony Business
VP of Culture, People & Vibes
Harmony champions employee experience across the portfolio. She introduced unlimited PTO, flexible work arrangements, and the asterisks that accompany both policies. Recently promoted after successfully increasing overall vibes by 23%.
BA, Liberal Arts. Previously: "Traveled to find herself." Certifications: Yoga, Reiki, HR, Vibe Assessment (Level 3).
Steve Business
VP of Digital Transformation
Steve leads digital initiatives across our portfolio companies. He was previously in Sales. Every broken website, expired certificate, and questionable technical decision can be traced to Steve's tenure.
BA, Communications. "Proficient in PowerPoint." Owner of 47 LinkedIn automation tools. Responsible for the Nominal Dynamics redesign (2019, ongoing).
📍 Currently in a meeting
Former Leadership
Thornton Business — Former Director, Threshold Laboratories
Thornton led our research subsidiary from 2012 until its dissolution in 2017. We do not discuss Thornton. We do not discuss Threshold Laboratories. We especially do not discuss the Lemon Incident.